Bonus Post

OK, I wanted to give myself a reprieve from writing about the unending trauma that the president is inflicting upon this country. So I decided to write a poem. The only problem is that I am not a poet. The solution? Construct a “found” poem from existing sources. So here it is:

Poem consisting of the headlines of IMDB user reviews, covering the last 10 movies I saw

Book me a flight!

Raw, rude, and raucously entertaining.

A love story with a kick in the gut, anyone?

I lived a version of this, and it hurt.

An encounter with a kindred soul. Or a beast.

I liked it for a while, but then it became ridiculous.

Beating up the guy in the diner is where it went bad.

Be warned: although inspired by a true story, this is very far from the truth.

I didn't lose something or win for an hour and half.

Stop it. Please just stop.

(here are the reviewed movies, in order)

French Kiss

Dolemite Is My Name

Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool

Marriage Story

Beast

Crawl

The Irishman

Red Joan

I Lost My Body

Blade Runner 2049

Citizenship Test

Now that the chaotic carnival ride of impeachment is over, we can all go back to being calm, rational Americans who are united in our values, priorities, and patriotic love for this great nation.

Yes, sometimes the cynicism just writes itself.

In any case, this era of disunity is not ending soon, if ever. But rather than wallow in depression or drive up our collective blood pressure by enumerating the hypocrisy, cowardice, and outright idiocy of the modern conservative movement, let’s look at a less contentious subject.

Let’s discuss citizenship.

Oh shit, that’s a hot one too, isn’t it? 

Well, you’ll be happy to know that I am not talking about immigration, undocumented residents, the 14^th Amendment, Border Patrol atrocities, or xenophobia.

Hey, I’ve talked a lot about all of those things, and I will again. Good times!

But right now I want to draw your attention to a recent article written by Seth Godin, marketing guru and philosophical entrepreneur.

Godin writes the following:

“Citizens aren’t profit-seeking agents who are simply constrained by rules. Citizens behave even if there isn’t a rule about it.”

“Citizens aren’t craven partisans, voting for party over fact. Citizens do the right thing because they can, even if the short-term cost is high.”

“Citizens live by the rule of community: If everyone did what I’m about to do, would it lead to a useful outcome?”

Clearly, Godin is not talking about what defines a citizen legally. He’s trying to grasp the concept of good citizenship. It requires more than being born within an arbitrary border. It requires engagement, bravery, and a concern for the future.

Yes, much of what Godin is saying can be applied to congressional Republicans (especially that “craven partisan” part).

However, the main point is that in certain respects, we’ve been asking the wrong question. 

It should not be, “Who gets to be a citizen?” 

It should be, “Who will be a good citizen?”

Godin’s traits of a good citizen are not exclusive of other definitions, nor are they the final word on the concept. However, the list he provides is pretty damn solid.

We can all be good citizens --- not just of America but of Earth --- if we focus on the long-term health of our community.

This concept applies to climate change, where we must be willing to accept lifestyle changes so that we don’t, you know, bake the planet into oblivion.

This applies to corporate responsibility, where CEOs don’t screw over their workers and cause lasting economic damage just to make their bonus a little bigger.

This applies to racial demographics, where white people have to acknowledge that the country is diversifying and, rather than fight the inevitable, embrace the benefits that different perspectives bring.

And yes, this implies to politics, where certain individuals shouldn’t kowtow to insanity just to preserve their cushy jobs.

Well, I guess it’s a bit late for that last one. But the basic message remains the same:

Don’t be a selfish jerk.

We’ll let Godin summarize this ideal:

“Sometimes we call citizens heroes, which is a shame, because their actions should be commonplace, not rare. Every successful community, every organization, every family has citizens. It’s the citizens who define the future, because their commitment to the long-term matters.”

The Final Vote Was 52-48

“Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.”

Those are supposedly the last words of Beethoven. But of course, they could also apply to the farcical impeachment proceedings that just concluded. For you pessimists, they could also apply to our country’s existence as a functioning democracy.

Indeed, your social-media feeds are likely clogged with rants from your friends that start with something like “It’s official. We’re living in a dictatorship.” As if this latest travesty made everything “official,” and as if your friends have the authority to decree this (it all sounds a little dictatorial to me).

Still, pundits are wrong to call the impeachment proceedings a circus. A circus is at least entertaining. This shit is just depressing.

We received fresh proof — although none was needed — that the Republican Party is a dead-eyed cult that has succumbed to a lunatic messiah. They will deny easily verified facts (e.g., where is Kansas City?) to avoid offending the mad emperor. They will feverishly applaud Matterhorn-sized lies spewed during the state of the union. They will hem and haw and pretend to deliberate at great length — before falling into line and delivering exactly what the president wants. Hell, a sizeable contingent would be fine if Trump handed Alaska over to the Russians.

Consider that about 75% of the country wanted witnesses at this trial. Yet, about 96% of Republican senators said, “No, we don’t need them.”

Consider also that Republicans have employed dozens of different arguments justifying Trump’s behavior, virtually all of which are nonsense.

And consider that Trump’s lawyers presented a defense that consisted entirely of contradictory, alarming, and idiotic “legal gibberishmerely designed to distract and confuse those who tuned into the trial.”

And still, the GOP remains undeterred. They stand by their corrupt, anger-fueled, imaginary-orchestra-conducting president. In the end, Republicans regret that they have but one country to sell out. 

No, my friends, the comedy is not over. 

But the joke is clearly on us.

We Are All Iowans Now (Except We’re Not)

Look, this impeachment trial has transfixed all of us.

This is not because there’s any real suspense over Trump’s eventual acquittal. The sycophantic fealty of the Republican Party preordains it. 

No, the spectacle is more about how the GOP is twisting Gordian knots into the very ideas of logic, common sense, patriotism, consistency, legality, principle, and basic decency. Conservatives have overruled all those concepts in favor of hypocrisy, self-righteousness, and fear, supplemented by a lust for power and a flair for Orwellian tactics.

It’s all very fascinating.

However, let’s step back from this constitutional calamity to look at the other major political event occurring soon: the Iowa caucuses.

Yes, next week, thousands of wholesome, downhome, gosh-darn, god-fearin’ Iowans will pull on their overalls, adjust their truckers caps, and mosey on down to wherever it is that one caucuses. Once there, they will take the chewing tobacco out of their mouths long enough to argue for their preferred presidential candidates. And then we’ll have a winner, a frontrunner guaranteed to rocket unimpeded toward their party’s nomination.

Except that’s all pretty much bullshit — and not just the stuff about overalls and chewing tobacco.

You see, only about half of the winners of the Iowa caucus have gone on to win their party's nomination for president. And that accuracy is likely to decline further in the future, due to demographic changes. After all, Iowa is more than 90% white, while the rest of the country — especially the metro areas where most voters actually live — clearly is not.

Still, we fawn over Iowa because our society continues to devote more attention, give more importance, and provide more resources to the rural areas of our nation, despite the fact that rural America is rapidly declining in population, cultural influence, and economic output.

Basically, we just care a lot more about what old white guys think. 

For example, how many articles have you seen that consist solely of a reporter walking into some small-town diner and asking the locals for their opinions? 

And I’m not just talking about this election season. It is year after year, in diner after diner, that we hear from the supposed average America about the issues that matter to him.

Never do these reporters walk into a pupuseria in Los Angeles, or an Indian restaurant in Queens, or a Thai place in Chicago to ask the locals for their insights.

Apparently, that would be elitist, or politically correct, or electorally suspect, or some such nonsense. 

The truth, of course, is that the opinion of a Latina in California is simply not viewed as an authentic representation of the “real America.” That status is reserved solely for rural American baby boomers.

You can also see this in the idea that Trump’s tariffs — which affect places like Iowa more directly — are a fabled “bread and butter issue” that genuine Americans talk about around their kitchen tables. However, immigration reform is a “wedge issue” that appeals only to racial agitators and hippies.

Aren’t you happy to have that cleared up?

Still, given enough time, places like Iowa will eventually become so sparsely populated that even the most old-school journalist will ask, “Why are we still coming here?”

That is, of course, unless immigrants and young multiethnic families start moving in to reshape the area. At that point, you may see a reporter walk into a Des Moines carniceria and ask the owner — a Gen Z woman of Mexican and Korean ancestry — what she thinks about the candidates.

I can’t wait to hear her answer.

The Weakest Tough Guys Around

I’ve been called arrogant a few times in my life.

And it’s not just angry readers or the stray co-worker who have said that I’m bossy. I’ve had friends tell me that I was arrogant (whatever — they’re just jealous because I’m so much better than they are).

In any case, the dangers of arrogance are well-established. Pride goeth before the fall, hubris got us into Iraq, etc.

That’s all true of course. But it’s also true that genuine arrogance does not originate in confidence. Its root cause is its theoretical opposite, which is insecurity. 

Honestly, does anyone believe that our easily agitated president — lashing out over every perceived slight and spewing all-caps threats over Twitter — acts like a confident, secure individual who knows what he is doing? It’s textbook bullying that masks his insecurity.

By the way, if you think Trump actually does know what he’s doing, you are highly delusional.

Now, if we mix the hazards of insecurity with one of our culture’s favorite demons — toxic masculinity — we get a new, 21^st-century problem that absolutely no one was clamoring for. I’m talking about fragile masculinity.

What the hell is that?

Well, fragile masculinity refers to the fact that “many men feel pressure to look and behave in stereotypically masculine ways — or risk losing their status as ‘real men.’” American machismo is a bastard, and this “unforgiving standard of maleness makes some men worry that they’re falling short.” These men are said to experience “fragile masculinity.”

OK, that all makes sense. But what can this disturbing phenomenon tell us about the times that we are living in?

You might be interested to know that politics “provides a way that fragile men can reaffirm their masculinity.” They do this “by supporting tough politicians and policies” that reassure others (and themselves) of “their own manliness.” 

And yes, a recent study has shown that “Trump appeals to men with fragile masculinity.”

Yikes.

Of course, you may be skeptical that researchers could measure something as ambiguous as fragile masculinity. Well, these scientists are way ahead of you.

The researchers didn’t just ask guys, “Hey, are you feeling fragile these days?” Although the responses to such a question would have been a hilarious YouTube video.

Instead, the study analyzed Google searches that indicated “a high level of concern about masculinity.” Specifically, the researchers identified phrases such as “how to get girls,” “penis enlargement,” and “testosterone,” among others. The scientists then looked at this sad grab-bag of phrases and, after accounting for demographic attributes such as education levels and racial composition, they discovered that Republican candidates “drew more support in areas with higher levels of fragile masculinity.”

Or as the researchers put it, support for Trump was higher “in areas that had more searches for topics such as ‘erectile dysfunction.’” 

So now we’re back to this being a fucking hilarious study.

In essence, there are a lot of very insecure guys out there who are motivated to support Trump because his unrepentant bullying and tough-guy talk makes them feel manly. These omega males appreciate a chief executive who boasts about the size of his penis on national television, because they fantasize about doing the same thing themselves (although if the study is accurate, they may not have any real reason to boast… ahem).

By the way, the researchers found that, like so many aspects of American culture, this all snowballed with Trump. The study found that there was no significant relationship between fragile masculinity and voting in previous elections, which suggests that “fragile masculinity has now become a stronger predictor of voting behavior.”

Furthermore, the researchers theorize that Trump’s “re-engineering of the GOP as a party inextricably tied to many Americans’ identity concerns — whether based on race, religion or gender — will ensure that fragile masculinity remains a force in politics.”

So how do we stop this scourge? How do we keep insecure, fragile guys from wrecking the nation as part of a pathetic, futile quest to feel manly?

Well, regardless of the course of action we choose, one thing is certain.

It’s time to man up.