Master Plan

I know. The terms of the ceasefire for the Iran debacle look, shall we say, rather underwhelming.

That’s being polite. You could also say that is the “the worst foreign policy blunder in decades,” which is what Republicans (yes, Republicans!) are calling it. I guess that would make it the biggest US fuck-up since the Iraq War, which was the last time a GOP president invaded the Middle East in a boneheaded, calamitous decision that let to disaster and death.

By the way, why does anyone vote Republican in the hope that the GOP will improve the economy and avoid warfare, when the exact opposite has been true this entire century? But let’s skip that conundrum for now.

Instead, let’s analyze the Trump Doctrine, which can be summarized as an approach that “combines amorality and incompetenceto empower enemies and betray allies, as it dilutes American power in a Dunning-Kruger stew of bluster, arrogance, and stupidity.”

Where’s the lie in that definition?

Everybody knew the Iran War (wait… are we calling it that?) would be a catastrophe. This geopolitical farce is “classic Donald Trump.”

After inflicting misery, this ace negotiator got bored, left the mess for someone else to clean up, declared victory, and wound up with a deal worse for America than before the war began. People who ask, “What was the point of the war?” are still inexplicably blind to the fact that there is no point to anything Trump does, because every decision he makes is based on his selfish, vile instincts and immediate needs.

There was never a point to the war, just like there is no point to all the needless suffering he is inflicting on America’s residents and the global population. He does it because he can and it sounded good at the time.

Now that this “humiliating comedown for him and the nation he leads” appears to be complete, he will move on to some fresh travesty, some other way to desecrate the nation for no good reason. 

There will be no lesson learned here. The guy doesn’t even understand the war he just lost. He has “confirmed America’s capitulation to Iran” while offering the “desperate rationalizations [of] a man who cannot face facts and admit defeat,” leading even the most impartial of observers to wonder if the president of the United States is “losing his grip on reality itself.”

However, there is one possible benefit to this idiotic fiasco. The resulting and completely predictable energy shock “is likely to accelerate a transition to renewables like solar and wind as well as nuclear power,” meaning that a right-wing administration of dullards and fabulists may have done more to jump start green technology than all the touchy-feely eco warriors ever have.

Wow — maybe that was the plan all along. 

Clearly, we are in the presence of a super genius. Yup.

The Wrong Kind of Inspiration

OK, so Hungary didn’t work out. What other small, corrupt nation can right-wingers emulate as their model for a future America?

Well, damn. They are fixating on my family’s homeland of El Salvador. How absolutely flattering. Yup.

It is constantly disconcerting how often conservatives boast about America being the greatest country in the world and then qualify it with “but we should really be more like [tiny authoritarian nation with a negligible GDP] because they have it right.”

Republicans have moved on from the flop in Budapest to focus on El Salvador, where Nayib Bukele has set himself up to be president for life. This neo-fascist hero has co-opted the separation of powers, heavily relied on the military for internal policing, and built the world's largest prison, which happens to be a concentration camp where the US sends many of its former residents to die. In El Salvador, authorities can detain anyone without a warrant, deny them access to legal counsel, and suspend the right to assembly. Independent media is nonexistent, and the state promotes “a cinematic version of Bukele” to create a cult of personality.

All of this is peachy keen with American right-wingers, who see Bukele as “an aspirational figure” and “yearn to implement his authoritarian transformation of El Salvador” in the United States.

On behalf of my family, let me say that we do not want America to become El Salvador. We would like more pupusas, but that’s about it.

Of course, it’s not just hardcore right-wingers who are flirting with despotism. Around the world, in “both developing and developed countries, democracies are facing historic tests” as polls show “mounting public apathy from voters, particularly young people, and growing disenchantment with the ideals of liberal democracy itself.”

Compared to just a few years ago, Americans are less likely “to see a democratically elected government as ‘extremely’ or ‘very’ important to the United States’ identity as a nation,” and there is a “growing rejection of the basic principles of democracy and human rights, and increasing support for authoritarian populism among people who feel that concepts like democracy and human rights and due process have failed them.”

To be fair, maybe democracy has failed them. After all, in this bastion of democracy, we are under the thumb of old men who hold disproportionate power over us and are quite overt about their contempt for anyone who was foolish enough not to be born rich and male.

But do we really want to be El Salvador? Have we given up on the American Dream (whatever the hell that is) and replaced it with the Authoritarian Settle?

If so, that will be a compromise that we soon regret.

I’m An Expert And So Are You

The only businessman I trust is Seth Godin. If you are not familiar with his work; Godin is an entrepreneur who focuses on marketing. 

But as opposed to our well-known titans of industry, Godin doesn’t blather on about how great he is or screw over whole countries so he can grab a little more cash or embrace fascism because nobody loves him or explode rockets left and right.

Those examples are not made up.

In any case, Godin wrote a recent article in which he explained the shitshow that we are living in. Well, he didn’t use that term because he’s a lot classier than I am, and he is politically nonpartisan. But his analysis holds up when trying to figure out how a corrupt gang of incompetents, loudmouths, and lunatics took over the US government.

Godin explains that “expertise and firmly held beliefs don’t always go together,” and he uses the following diagram to illustrate the idea:

As Godin points out, “plenty of well-trained professionals have earned the right to have strongly held beliefs,” a contingent that includes “surgeons, jugglers, and historians,” among others. Professionals combine expertise with strong beliefs.

Then there are the innovators, who have “plenty of experience and training and have chosen to be flexible.” As Godin points out, “when an innovator suggests a counter-intuitive or even nutty concept, it might pay to listen carefully.” After all, they have some idea of what they’re talking about.

Most of us, at some time or another, will fall into the category of curious. This is when we “don’t have a lot of domain knowledge, but we’re able to ask intelligent questions and to listen carefully to the answers.” We’re being curious when we’re honest about our lack of expertise. Ideally, we engage with others in the spirit of goodwill and exhibit a willingness to change our minds.

It’s that upper-left quadrant, where ignorance meets strongly held beliefs, that we encounter the foolish. These are the people who have “little in the way of expertise, and are generally unwilling to change their assertions or goals.” As Godin puts it, “Alas, social media has elevated the foolish.”

Think of the influencer who failed high school biology but still insists that vaccines are dangerous. They have no expertise in the field but refuse to listen to data or logic. Or better yet, consider the secretary of health and human services.

Now imagine a whole administration full of people who have no experience, no training, and no clue about what they’re rambling on about, but are convinced that they are brilliant. 

The professional, the innovative, and the curious wind up getting steamrolled by an incessant, aggressive horde of the foolish.

And that’s how we got here, to this most unhappy place.

That’s how we got present-day America.

The Leader We Deserve

I’m not exaggerating when I say that if we had installed a sock puppet as president in 2025, we would be in better shape today.

A sock puppet, or any inanimate object that made no decisions, would never have implemented idiotic tariffs that ravaged the economy, 

A sock puppet would never have launched a war with Iran for vague, confounding, contradictory, arbitrary, and imbecilic reasons, resulting in widespread death and destruction.

Would a sock puppet steal $1.8 billion dollars from the US Treasury and plan to hand it out to thugs and flunkies beholden only to him? Possibly, but not necessarily.

A president who did nothing would be an improvement on a president who willfully makes mystifying, moronic decisions that seem designed to hurt America.

Unfortunately, we do not have a sock puppet for a chief executive. We have a careening, decaying narcissist who “is not good at wars, economics, or geopolitics” but is “amazingly good at corruption.”

Americans are starting to catch on — about 18 months too late, but they are catching on, nevertheless.

The vilest person to ever be president has an approval rating that is sinking faster than a Tesla dropped into a black hole. The only people who still believe in his insanity are the hardcore base.

But that’s a new problem. You see “Trump’s strategy for power has a tighter and tighter hold on fewer and fewer people.” As MAGA withers and dies, it will become even more toxic, without the nominal need to appeal to anyone but zealots who are quite literally willing to die for this repulsive bigot.

As the right-wing “base of support shrinks, the concentration of primary-voting diehards and Cabinet-level dead-enders in the president’s party will only increase.” This means that the flailing despot’s “threats to upend democracy will only grow more intenseas Trump’s faction of MAGA diehards keeps shrinking.”

Basically, these fascistic fucks will try to take the whole damn country down with them.

I know of no solution to their whiplashing destruction. 

Hell, maybe we can talk them into voting for a sock puppet.

Money for Everybody!

As you know, our most philanthropic of presidents has set up a $1.8 billion fund that will compensate supposed victims of government oppression. This unprecedented, nauseating, and likely unconstitutional decree isn’t just the most overtly corrupt actin presidential history. It is also a moronic and ill-formed idea that even its adherents can’t explain. 

Because it’s unclear who gets the money, I figured why not apply and see what happens? I deserve a few million just as much as a hillbilly insurrectionist does. So here is my application to the fund:

Dear Acting Attorney General Blanche (or Your Utmost Excellency, whichever you prefer):

Recently, you set up a $1.776 billion compensation fund for victims of lawfare and weaponization perpetrated by “political and career federal employees, contractors and agents” who targeted “individuals, groups, and entities for improper and unlawful political, personal, and/or ideological reasons (“Lawfare” and “Weaponization”).

I say it’s about time! No longer will Americans be intimidated by an out-of-control government that clamps down on their freedom of speech. Unless you’re swarthy, of course, because then ICE has the legal right to taser you just for kicks. Or if you’re a comedian who makes jokes about our chief executive, because no one has to right to criticize (all genuflect) President Trump (all rise) ever ever ever. Seriously, don’t even joke about making jokes.

In any case, I seek an award of $8.647 million from the Weaponization Fund. As with your fund amount of $1.776 billion, the amount I am seeking is based purely on punitive damages, backpay, arbitrary symbolism, and vibes.

You may ask about the grounds for my claim. Well, it’s true I don’t have anything as ironclad as storming the capitol, or lying under oath, or committing multiple felonies for the purposes of overthrowing democracy. I mean, the people who did that have it made. Am I right? If only the rest of us had known that it would be so profitable to bludgeon a cop. Alas, it’s all 20/20 hindsight.

No, my claim is based on the many angry emails and vague threats I receive from MAGA types, a few of whom imply that they work for the administration. Again, it’s nothing solid, but let’s be honest, the flunkies you’re going to pick for the commission that approves the payouts are going to be Mr. and Ms. Rubberstamp, so the details don’t matter.

The point is that I have been oppressed for political and ideological reasons. Like, really badly. So send me a big old bagfull of taxpayer-funded money as soon as possible. Let freedom ring, God bless America, ease on down the road, so on and so on.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

The Hispanic Fanatic