Free Hugs

Last week, I attempted to deal with the nonstop deluge of horrific behavior spewing out of the White House by asking, “Is there something that we progressives can do to make conservatives feel better, so that maybe they won’t, you know, destroy the country and devastate the entire planet?”

After all, we liberals are well-known for blaming ourselves for every monstrous action that right-wingers embrace. And American society is all about excusing conservative aggression and justifying GOP incompetence.

So let’s just run with it. Here are some of the ways in which liberals can make things easier for you conservatives.

First, we don’t want to hurt your feelings by pointing out that Trump is a dangerous moron whose own advisors “hesitated to give him military options, fearing the President might accidentally take the US to war.” Hey, I’m sure that statement has been true about every president.

Of course, we also know that Trump only ran for president as some kind of bizarre branding exercise, and for some unfathomable reason, you bought it. And yes, our sociopathic chief executive possesses the attention span of nine-year-old, has revitalized fascism, and is arguably the most corrupt president in history. But you won’t hear that from us.

Similarly, we will not bring up the fact that if you support Trump, you are more likely to be racist — even though study after study has shown this. No, you can go right on thinking that Black Lives Matter are a bunch of terrorists, even if the FBI has stated that “White supremacist extremists present the most lethal threat” to the country.

Oh, maybe you don’t know about that last item because “top political appointees in the Department of Homeland Security repeatedly instructed career officials to modify intelligence assessments to suit President Donald Trump's agenda by downplaying Russia's efforts to interfere in the US and the threat posed by White supremacists.”

Apparently, the guy flies into a rage if someone tells him a fact that he doesn’t want to hear, and in a maneuver better suited to calming a screaming toddler than advising the most powerful person in the country, his lackeys twist the truth to keep him appeased. Or, in an assessment that we swear we are not making up, “the President prefers to operate without intelligence.”

Yeah, he does that a lot.

In any case, you keep on believing that a doddering septuagenarian with a history of failure and garbled syntax knows far more than the top medical professionals in the world. While we’re at it, go on and forward that conspiratorial video from your high school acquaintance who flunked chemistry and has never left his home state, but who somehow is plugged into the inner workings of a vast cabal of mad scientists.

Above all things, we will not question American exceptionalism. We don’t want to destroy your belief that our country is vastly superior to all others, even if this “too often clashes with its culture of guns, mass incarceration, the death penalty and the war on drugs,” and has left us way behind on multiple quality-of-life measurements.

Woops, I see that I’ve upset you. I apologize, and I definitely will not mention that the border wall with Mexico will never be built. Yes, that endeavor wasted tons of taxpayer money, and did nothing more than provide a front for right-wing con men to steal your money, like you were some kind of fucking rube or something, but…

OK, now you’re crying. Let’s try to make it up to you.

Hey, would you like to vote twice? You know, because you’re so special? The president says it’s fine, so go for it.

And you know what else? We will ask newspapers to avoid endorsing candidates, because it might upset conservatives. There, there.

You know what would really cheer you up? Ending all of that diversity nonsense.

Yes, the president who is incredibly popular with neo-Nazis — a coincidence, we’re sure — “has instructed federal agencies to end racial sensitivity trainings that address topics like white privilege and critical race theory, calling them ‘divisive, anti-American propaganda.’”

And good news for you: It’s not just the feds who are canceling diversity. Companies such as Google have “significantly rolled backtheir diversity and inclusion initiatives in an apparent effort to avoid being perceived as anti-conservative.” 

In fact, some of these companies have “stopped saying the word diversity” altogether, because it’s so very very very controversial — well, at least to you Trump supporters. So we bend over backward to ensure that you’ll never have to hear disturbing facts about racial inequality or have your 1950s thinking challenged in any way.

You see, it’s all about being nicer to you, the hardcore Trump supporter who screams, “Fuck your feelings” and shrieks that progressives are sensitive snowflakes. And that’s when you’re not threatening us with guns, or beating us up to prove that we’re the violent ones. Or just shooting us in the street while the cops watch.

We want to make sure that you feel good about yourselves. Because that’s the most important thing in the goddamn world.

Yup.