Smokescreen

Listen, you wouldn’t teach advanced calculus to second-graders, would you? Nor would you make metaphysics part of the curriculum for nine-year-olds. Therefore, it makes sense to ban teaching critical race theory (CRT) in grade school.

As we all know, CRT “is an academic study at the undergraduate and graduate level that aims to examine the role of racism in the modern era and the ways it has become woven into the social fabric.” Virtually no grade schools are teaching CRT, but you can’t be too careful. Some overzealous teachers out there, somewhere, might abruptly thrust college-level academics onto their unsuspecting grade schoolers, so we need legislation to make sure that doesn’t happen. 

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Office Space

So the pandemic is finally ending, and all of us are ready to return to the office. Well, by “all of us” I mean White guys, and let’s face it, they’re the only ones who get a vote, right?

You see, recent surveys have shown that most corporate executives—still predominately White men—want to end all this touchy-feely flexibility and 21^st-century telecommuting nonsense. They want to get back into their cushy offices where they can survey their kingdom of cubicle serfs and more effectively terrorize their employees. In fact, “executives are nearly three times more likely than non-executive employees to want to return to the office full-time.”

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Craving Chaos

If you can’t beat ‘em, kill ‘em.

You would be forgiven if you believed that this was the GOP slogan for the midterms. After all, the modern conservative movement is not about lower taxes, traditional values, or all the other supposed principles that long obscured the right-wing predilection for violence. No, the Republican Party has quit the exhausting task of hiding its affinity for head-bashing, and instead, conservatives are openly celebrating mayhem. 

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Who Owns the Future?

The good news is that Republicans believe in elections again.

Yes, the GOP was ready to dismiss the gubernatorial race in Virginia as just another larcenous farce, but the election met with conservative approval when the Republican candidate won. You know the new governor — he was the guy who campaigned hard against cancel culture by vowing to cancel books by Black people. 

In any case, pundits are united in declaring this to be a harbinger of doom for Democrats in next year’s midterms, the following year’s presidential election, and every election for the remainder of the millennium. Indeed, Democrats will probably lose control of congress in 2022, and it will certainly be devastating if Republicans take over. After all, the GOP might stonewall Biden’s agenda, in contrast to today, when everything is just sailing through and… oh wait.

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How They Get Away With It

Perhaps you remember the bombshell news story from a few months ago that revealed the top 1% of America’s wealthy “got way richerduring the pandemic.” Yes, even as millions of citizens were begging for a few hundred bucks to alleviate the devastation of Covid-19, our billionaires raked in so much money that they were in danger of suffocating in their golden bathtubs as their servants shoveled piles of cash over them. 

Yes, wealthy people have some odd kinks.

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