Jihad

All of this has happened before. 

No, a major American political party has never attempted to overthrow the government in a violent insurrection. That’s a spectacularly unique item for our charming day and age.

But white supremacist terror, culminating in an attack on democracy itself? Yup, we’ve done that.

You see, back in 1898, the city of Wilmington, North Carolina, elected a new municipal government that consisted of both white and black citizens. Thousands of white men—furious that the election didn’t go their way—refused to accept the result and overthrew the local government. They rampaged through the streets and murdered hundreds of black citizens.

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No Quick Fixes

Pick your adjective: unsustainable, unworkable, ungovernable, maybe even unsalvageable.

Any one of these words describes the floundering American empire of 2022.

Yes, we all know that studies have shown that “an empire survives, on average, a mere 250 years.” And because America recently celebrated its 246^th birthday, this means you may want to reassess your hopes of chanting, “USA! USA!” into the next decade.

OK, the data on that 250 number is questionable, and some might boldly insist that America is not an empire. But what remains beyond doubt is that we can’t have a functioning government when one political party believes in science, and the other political party believes in Jewish space lasers and cyborg slaves of Satan. 

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Limited Appeal

According to promoters of American Exceptionalism, the United States has long been an outlier from other nations because of its freedom, economic opportunity, and national character of God-fearin’ tenacity. 

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This Modern World

Like all of you, I’m obsessed with the Lisbon earthquake of 1755.

I’m constantly rushing up to strangers and saying, “Can you believe that motherfucking earthquake that leveled Portugal over 267 years ago?” 

“I know!” they say. “Damn!”

Yes, this massive temblor was 32,000 times more powerful than the atomic bomb that devastated Hiroshima. But it did even more than demolish Lisbon and kill 50,000 people. It also ushered in a new world. 

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Bring It In For a Hug

Here’s how sensitive those liberal snowflakes are. Some guy in California got offended over a definition in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary. How absurd. They’re just words, you wimpy, tree-hugging…

Oh wait. It wasn’t a liberal. It was a right-wing white man. And he wasn’t so much “offended” as “screaming death threats.” Yes, the guy was furious over Merriam-Webster’s entry on gender, and in his transphobic zeal, he sent multiple intimidating messages to the publisher and said the dictionary’s creators “should be hunted down and shot."

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