Values Test

I have lived in my neighborhood in Los Angeles for 12 years, far longer than I’ve ever lived anywhere else. Obviously, I love it. 

Yes, I know — according to right-wing suburbanites, there is no greater hell than California, where you can’t go a day without being carjacked by crackheads, shot by MS-13, and swallowed whole by an earthquake. Worse of all, our gas is six dollars per gallon.

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American Rage

Have you ever felt disrespected?

Perhaps someone mocked the color of your skin. Or morons in positions of authority dismissed your good ideas. Or everyone laughed when you said that Avatar is a masterpiece.

Actually, check that last one. You kind of had it coming.

In any case, from toddlers to world leaders to hardcore rappers, everybody wants respect.

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The Next Boogeyman

We won’t be teaching history, because learning about it might trigger anxiety in white people.

We won’t be teaching science, because the theory of evolution offends Christian conservatives.

We won’t be teaching literature, because the list of banned books covers most of the library.

And now, we won’t be teaching math, because it’s too woke.

Yes, the Florida education department recently rejected dozens of mathematics textbooks for its K-12 curriculum, because they "incorporate prohibited topics or unsolicited strategies, including [critical race theory].”

Obviously, conservative lawmakers won’t be happy until public education consists of nothing but home economics, bible study, and five hours of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

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In the Blood

I admit that I got bullied into it.

Yes, friends and relatives had raved to me about discovering their genetic heritage, but it all seemed a bit silly. As I understood it, you send your DNA sample to a lab, and a few months later, you find out that you’re 10% French and have a fourth cousin in Pennsylvania. What does one do with such knowledge?

However, after I received a DNA kit for my birthday—really, how random is that?—I went ahead and did the cheek swab. Recently, I received my test results, and they were intriguing. 

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All the Rage

Some jerk cut me off in traffic today, so I chased him at high speed until he crashed. Then I pulled him out of his car, punched him bloody, and smashed his windshield with a rock.

Well, no, that didn’t actually happen. Yes, I got cut off in traffic, which is a near-daily occurrence because I live in Los Angeles. But I didn’t chase the guy. 

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