A Whole New Ballgame

Yes, we could have done this months ago. And yes, Trump can still win.

But for the first time in this election cycle, Democrats are feeling a little jaunty, a little hopeful, and slightly less terrified.

We have no idea if Kamala Harris will defeat the third incarnation of Trumpian fury. However, it was clear that Biden wasn’t going to win. His supporters could never explain how a guy who had been trailing in the polls for months, coming off the worst debate performance in history, and getting older by the second, was going to suddenly surge to victory. Who the hell was he going to persuade at this point?

By stepping aside, however, Biden has become a revered figure, the courageous leader, even “the Democratic party’s Yoda, and no one ever complained about Yoda’s wrinkles, age, ponderous pauses, or bizarre speech patterns.”

The GOP knows this. Witness their idiotic threats to somehow force Biden to stay on the ballot. They are shitting themselves in fear because suddenly they are the ones saddled with an ancient, rambling, incoherent candidate who “looks older and more deranged” than any presidential nominee in history.

Biden “understood his limitations and, in an act of patriotism, selflessness, and party unity, decided to step away from power,” while Trump is a doddering lunatic “clinging to power, holding on desperately to the myth of a lost election, evoking the same predictable descriptions of carnage and disaster he served up eight years ago.”

Trump will no doubt rant about Harris and make up whacked-out lies about her. He will throw racist and misogynistic insults her way while his handlers insist for the 10,839^th time that he didn’t mean what he clearly said. He will threaten and prophesize and whine. He will babble nonstop in a jumbled cacophony of illogic and garbled syntax. 

And the rest of us will witness this sad display, and with hope, we will give it the only response that it warrants:

Just shut up already, old man.

Luck of the Damned

An inch to one side, and he is unscathed. A couple of inches to the other side, and he’s a dead man. A few inches lower, and he’s seriously injured and off the campaign trail for a while.

But no, that shot had to nick him so precisely, so exactly, that he could claim a war wound but still be back on the golf course the next day. 

He could wave his fist around, blood on his face, with the American flag fluttering in the background in an image guaranteed to sway a million voters who base their decisions on random feelings and gut reactions. 

He could escape injury while his followers get killed. 

He could claim that he took a bullet for America when all he really did was take a bullet from a white male Republican lunaticopening fire with a legally purchased AR-15. 

No one who gets shot at benefits from the experience, except this guy.

It is astronomical how that bullet had to nip his ear but not actually harm him. How the slug had to cause just enough blood to flow that he could use the incident to boost fundraising. We’re talking millimeters that could decide an election.

Of course, he’s always been lucky. He was born a millionaire, for starters. And who else goes bankrupt multiple times, displays the morals of an alley cat, and spews idiotic lies and pathetic excuses nonstop, only to become more popular with each deranged act or massive failure?

Who else violates several federal laws in a blatant mockery of our system of classified information, but then gets the case against him dismissed because of a motherfucking footnote?

This election was “already shaping up as a symbolic contest between an elderly and weakening liberalism too frail and uncertain to protect itself and an authoritarian, reactionary movement ready to burst every barrier and trash every institution.”

Now, it looks like it will be a referendum on just how vile, incompetent, and cataclysmic one man can be without any comeuppance or hint of karma. 

The only person who might be luckier is some politically inexperienced buffoon who parlayed his hillbilly upbringing into a brand, sold out his semi-moderate values to fall into line with right-wing insanity, and is poised to become president if a certain obese septuagenarian wins an election but then suffers a fatal heart attack or chokes on a cheeseburger in two years.

Yeah, these guys have used up all the good luck for the entire country.

Big Daddy Will Take Care of Us

Recently, I wrote about the business leaders who see Trump as a threat to the economy and, by extension, to their company’s bottom line (and isn’t that what really matters?).

However, other business execs are pretty chill about the possibility that a man who doesn’t understand basic financial principles and is prone to reckless, impulsive decisions might be in charge of the world’s largest economy.

At the Davos conference, where the richest of the rich gather to hobnob and cavort, many business leaders said the media has exaggerated “the threat of a Trump presidency,” insisted that the GOP nominee is “all bark and no bite’” and implied that “many of his policies were right.”

This shows how in touch these supposedly brilliant leaders are. If anything, the media has downplayed the potential catastrophe of a second Trump administration. An unrepentant authoritarian who instigated an insurrection is clearly not “all bark.” And Trump’s policies led to economic disaster.

But none of that has stopped billionaires from lining up to help the Republican Party. And really, if you can’t trust billionaires to do what’s right, who can you trust?

However, people “still operating under the impression that they will curry favor with a dictator are painfully unaware of how dictators actually operate.” If Trump comes back for round two, he “will use the power of the state to squeeze the wealthy as well as his political opponents, threatening them with investigations, audits, regulation—even criminal charges—unless they do as they are told.” 

It doesn’t matter if you donate a gajillion dollars to his campaign. A megalomanic focuses only on what you can do for him at that moment, and while demanding complete loyalty, he offers none in return. 

And when you have outlived your usefulness, or have been perceived as a threat, you will face the same fate as his enemies that you helped vaniquish.

And his followers have adopted this mindset. For example, let’s say that you are fervent Trump supporter living in a red state. You might think you are safe from MAGA rage. Unfortunately, all it takes is one misstep, such as acknowledging basic facts, to provoke your former allies into calling for your head.

Or perhaps you are a well-regarded conservative, someone whose GOP credentials cannot be denied. It doesn’t matter. If you say or do anything that The Leader doesn’t like, or that his flunkies find suspicious, you will be harassed, mocked, maligned, and threatened, with actual physical violence a real possibility.

Now, there is a reason why Trump’s most fervent admirers are white straight men. As the ultimate white straight guy with underserved power, Trump tells them that they are entitled to the disproportionate amount of influence they have in this country. They want to keep it that way, and they believe Trump will preserve their status. To some degree, they are correct. It’s not like Trump is going to promote the rights of black lesbians or Muslim immigrants.

But ultimately, if Trump fanatics of any color or gender think their authoritarian overlord will protect them, they are massively mistaken. He will protect himself, and beware anyone who gets in his way.

History shows that eventually, even cult members and party favorites make a mistake, and it doesn’t end well for them.

Sooner or later, the dictator comes for you.

Fizzled Fireworks

It’s a very special Independence Day this year, because it will be our last.

You see, the Supreme Court has ruled that the president is a king, and can pretty much do whatever he wants (even assassinate his political rivals, theoretically) without fear of being stopped or punished.

Also, the Supreme Court has ruled that bribery is legal, federal agencies have no actual authority, and homeless people can be thrown in prison if they are inconvenient. So the justices had a busy week of right-winging it.

The counter to this unprecedented push into authoritarianism is a disorganized, freaked-out Democratic Party that even under the best of circumstances has proven itself unable to fight back against fire-breathing Republicans. It doesn’t help that the Democratic flagbearer has trouble staying awake past 4:00 pm.

Meanwhile, American voters are more predisposed than ever to choose an aspiring dictator for their leader because the other guy stutters. 

So yes, this might be it for American democracy. I plan to relax, barbeque outside, and relax this weekend. After all, by next July, I might be running for my life from jackbooted thugs who are rounding up dark-skinned people who are insufficiently Christian.

Happy Independence Day everybody!

Econ 101

As we all know, no institution is more radically progressive, left-wing, and woke than Moody’s Analytics. Sure, they conduct objective analyses and offer insights to businesses about financial risks, but the facts have a well-known liberal agenda, and helping major corporations navigate issues is just the kind of thing that a lefty would do.

Yes, I’m spewing nonsense, but I’m trying to help our Republican friends figure out how to denigrate and dismiss the latest report from a respected, conservative institution that their presidential nominee’s economic policies are idiotic beyond restoration.

You see, Moody’s Analytics recently compared the economic promises of Joe Biden and Donald Trump. The study concluded that “a second Biden presidency would see cooling inflation and continued economic growth [while] a Trump presidency would be an economic disaster.”

How can this be? Polls show that more Americans trust Trump on economic policy, and a majority view the Trump years as successful. Well, on the first point, Republicans have never (as in never never never) been better at handling the economy than Democrats. And on the second point, Trump left office with the economy in a crater and fewer jobs than he started with. So maybe Americans don’t know what they’re talking about on this topic.

According to Moody’s Analytics, the convicted felon who fronts the GOP has promised to slash taxes on the wealthy, increase tariffs across the board, and deport 11 million immigrant workers. These policies would trigger a recession by mid-2025, increase the costs of consumer goods, boost inflation, eliminate over 3 million jobs, increase the unemployment rate, and add trillions to the national debt.

What’s not to love about that?

The chief economist of Moody’s Analytics said, rather plainly, that “Biden’s policies are better for the economy.”  

I told you they were left wing.

But if you still want to dismiss this report as liberal fear-mongering, consider that studies show that Trump “continues to suffer from the lowest level of corporate support in the history of the Republican Party,” despite the fact that an estimated 60 to 70 percent of chief executives are registered Republicans. It’s almost like these guys, who live for tax cuts and prize the bottom line over everything, are recognizing that enacting the half-baked notions of an addled criminal with multiple bankruptcies is a little disconcerting for business.

According to the historian Heather Richardson, the GOP is made up of “MAGA extremists and junior varsity opportunists” who are waving “red flags to business leaders.”

To be clear, these fat-cat execs don’t give a damn about wealth inequality, the rights of ethnic minorities, or democracy. But they do care about money. And if even these guys are shouting, “Don’t vote for this lunatic or the economy will collapse,” maybe we should pay attention.

Oh, and sixteen Nobel Prize-winning economists have signed a joint letter stating that “Joe Biden’s economic agenda is vastly superior to Donald Trump’s” and that GOP proposals are “fiscally irresponsible.”

 But none of those guys are stable geniuses, are they?